Deviations in the behavior of adolescents are associated with puberty. Boys and girls are trying to find answers to the questions they care about, to understand themselves and the world around them. This is a difficult time, and it isn’t easy for parents. Conflicts, arguments, different views, manipulation put us on edge. Is it possible in this situation without moralizing and punishment?
The Crisis of Adulthood
The main causes of rebellion:
- Adolescents go through multiple changes, including in the brain. This explains uncontrollable emotions.
- Growing up, children are separating from their parents and often testing them for resilience. They try doing things that are forbidden, like online betting at 22Bet or playing PC games for the whole day.
- The child develops opinions and beliefs, enters different roles, and learns to take responsibility.
The adolescent seeks independence. Reacts sharply to infringement of rights and protects the inviolability of personal territory. This happens because the expectations of adults don’t meet the worldview of children. But understand: your child does not have to adhere to the same beliefs and values as you. He is a completely different person with his own ideals and ideas about the world.
How to act:
- Change strategy. Quarrels usually unfold according to predictable scenarios. Imagine watching a video of a familiar argument with a teenager. At what points do you smooth things over, and when do you make things worse? Think about how you might have reacted differently.
- Focus on common goals. The child is not the enemy, he is your friend and ally.
- Watch your speech. Use statements with an “I.” Say, “I feel sad when I see a misunderstanding between us.” This is more productive than blaming and insulting, which happens when emotions build up.
- Seek a compromise: List options, whether or not they seem reasonable.
- Make a decision together. Threats and unsubstantiated statements like “because I said so” don’t work. Discuss things when both sides are calm enough.
Don’t give in to the teen’s emotionalism. Remember that the adult is you. Teenagers enjoy seeing their parents lose their temper and think they are definitely controlling “preteens.”
Imposing advice and constant monitoring will not save your relationship with your child. By doing so, you invade his privacy, making him even angrier and more alienated. Every time parents tell you how to do the “right” thing, they show that he is incapable of solving problems on his own. This builds low self-esteem.
Excessive control is a misguided move in advance. The response will be a protest and, as a consequence, a rupture of the relationship. To regain independence, the child commits provocative acts, or withdraws into himself/herself. Hyper protection leads to psychological dependence, heightened anxiety, neurotic reactions and irresponsibility.
A wise decision is to learn to trust your children, to be able to listen to them and support them in difficult times.
This is one of the most common forms of influence on adults. Children use emotional blackmail and make you feel guilty, and lying, in their opinion, is a great means to an end. This is how they get attention and gain a sense of power and control in a world dominated by adults.
How to stop attempts to control you:
- Stand firm on your decision. Come up with a definite answer and repeat it when the situation demands it.
- Apply strict measures. Limit screen time or cancel a long-awaited trip to the bowling alley.
- Reward the truth. Create an environment so full of honesty that there is no reason to lie. There is no room for manipulation in an open dialogue.
- Reflect on arguments and take pauses. Don’t say things you will regret. Instead, take a break in the middle of the argument. Ask for time to think.
School and Cleaning up
If kids haven’t learned to control their grades and their room order by adolescence, they’re falling into the trap created by parental love.
Moms and dads have inflated expectations about learning, and the bar is so high that the child psychologically can’t handle it. So let him do his homework on his own. Not ready for classes – is entirely responsible for it himself. But don’t move away: a teenager needs to know that you’re there, and you care. Be on his side, even when he is not right. School is temporary, but the relationship with the children is forever.
By the way, scientific evidence suggests that warmth and support from adults is associated with a child’s successful adaptation to the school environment, high academic achievement and favorable relationships with peers.
Cleanliness is a “headache” for many parents. The more vehemently you make cleaning a problem, the worse the children are at keeping order.
Agree on the ground rules:
- “No” to food scraps in the room.
- Always take out the trash.
- Clean the floors once a week.
Make a home “document” affirming these principles, and place it in a prominent place to make it meaningful.